Thoughts: Correlating Loss and punishments. The 'why me' mindset.

As I am meditating I've discovered a few things that I fear. I was thinking about how much pain I am in because I've lost my father and why I've probably pushed my mom away, fearing that I wouldn't be able to bounce back from losing her too if we ever got close. My thoughts were I felt safe letting myself care for my dad because he wasn't something that could be taken from me. He in my mind would be there with me until he was at least 102. I also remember thinking that if I had stayed with him instead of moving out and getting married he would have lived longer, or if i had been more strict with him and his diet that maybe i could have kept him alive. Along my train of thoughts I had the epiphany that losing my dad hurt so bad because I was trained to believe that if I lose something I cared about I must have deserved it by not trying hard enough, doing something incorrectly or making someone angry.

Stick with me. I'm almost at my first point.

Think back to being punished as a child, often you would lose something, didn't clean your room, toys go in the trash, didn't make a good grade now you have to stay in your room (losing time). Get in trouble in the classroom, now you're losing time with friends or any other activity that you really enjoyed.

For me, I learned very quickly not to get attached to things because anything that you find joy in can be used as a punishment later. This caused me to believe that not even my relationships with people were safe because they could stop talking to me if I said or did something wrong. I became hyper vigilant in my thinking, rehearsing conversations in my head, replaying scenarios so that if something similar happened I can at least be prepared for the rejection or punishment that came with it. My point being, I learned to not to attach to any and everything around me, except my dad.

He was my one safe place in a world of chaos. The one place i didn't have to be anything, not perfect, not on time, not right, not intelligent, not questioning, not happy or sad, with him i felt safe enough to just exist. I let my guard down. So you can imagine how devastated I was when I learned that I was losing him too. And with that came the other side of the lost coin. Loss equals punishment. Some kind of way I was at fault for not doing enough to keep my dad, a grown man of 72 years of age( me at the age of 22), alive. I was being punished.

I'm almost at my second point.

Now here's my theory, let's get into playing the victim. The 'whoa is me', 'why me', 'what did i do to deserve this?' mindset.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down yet????

If loss equals punishment, then what if people are legit wondering what they did to deserve this loss, ESPECIALLY if they did EVERYTHING they were SUPPOSED to do?

One day you wake up and your tire is flat, it's your third strike at work so you can't be late, you've been doing your best to stay afloat at work, but juggling 3 jobs, your mental health and all of your pet babies isn't the easiest thing to do. You ask yourself, why me? What did I do to deserve this? Did I not try hard enough? even though your friends reassure you that YOU did nothing wrong, so is life. but that feeling in the pit of your stomach tells you otherwise. The answer to that question is no, you didn't do anything wrong, you were programmed to believe that loss is the punishment and unlearning this takes time.

Sometimes affirmations alone just don't cut it. You have to learn how to recognize the patterns you have created by being conscious with your mind and body moment to moment. At first this can be very overwhelming but over time you will begin to understand you and what makes you tick. There is no perfect or right way to do that step. In the mist of those feelings try your best to just breathe and allow yourself to feel however you feel. Don't try to positively think the pain away. For a moment just let it go. The more you do this the more you learn, "my feelings really aren't that bad". It really only hurts for a moment and then you move forward. Which is the goal. Its learning to allow yourself pain and not equating it to punishment because you did something wrong. Pain and punishment are not two sides to the same coin (unless you're into that kind of thing, nothing wrong with a little kink).

I hope you enjoyed my blog, feel free to drop a comment, let me know what you think, agree, disagree, find it relatable, let me know down below