Thoughts: Sharing my truth

My Truth

I took a few weeks off from writing. At first my plan was to redirect my blog. Branch off into more topics, change direction a little bit. But I realized this morning that I ended up silencing/censoring myself. My blogs were supposed to be about my voice, my journey, and my self discovery. My safe space to express however I saw fit. I was working on sharing all the parts of me, not just the happy parts. I wanted to write more about triumphs and victories but honestly I haven't experienced many as of late, really in the past couple years.

I didn't want what I share to become dreadful to read. But in reality the only person that thinks that is me. I've let the fears of others stop me from telling my story out of fear that it would be to much. That I would be too much. But the truth is emotions are always too much for those who don't like to sit with their own. Even if the outside world disagrees, I can't let that stop me from living. My blog isn't to just share the hard things, its also to show people how I correlated triggers and the response to them to lived traumatizing experiences.

I've been toying with the thought of taking up space the past couple days and how in certain situations the idea of it terrifies me. The idea that people know I exist, they can see me, hear me, smell me, think of me scares me. Especially when I know I need help even more so when I receive it. It always leaves me feeling like somehow me receiving the help I need/deserve will push people away. Think less of me. Treat me differently, treat me as if I'm incapable. Which is crazy, I know. But upbringing plays a big part in how pain resurfaces as an adult.

If you tell a child enough times that their discomfort, pleas for help and outward expressions of needing attention is the bane of your existence, eventually they start to believe you. You tell a child enough times that being silent, needing less, being self sufficient and only reliant on themselves is what makes a good child. They grow into hyper independent people who can only take care of others, never themselves and asking for help is something they could never do because " they don't want to burden anyone with their trivial needs." as they lay bleeding internally from all the blows they've taken from life and had to deal with on their own. These people turn into adults who start to attract more trauma into their lives because its all they know. They attract more people who tell them to be quiet, stop sharing, stop asking, stop showing up authentically as yourself because your light is to bright and it hurts my eyes.

Trying to undo the things that we were taught and that are reinforced daily is very difficult. Learning to be gentle with ourselves as we unlearn and teach ourselves the proper way to be loved and to love to even live out loud is probably a battle we will be fighting for the rest of our lives. But it is worth it, because I know that by doing this we are validating our little selves lived experiences. We are teaching our Teenage self that it is okay to take up space and we are showing our adult selves what real love should look and feel like.

I end this one with this note. Do not be afraid to take up space, it may be uncomfortable, but it's okay, because that means you are stepping out of your comfort zone into a better life that is more suitable for the new you. Don't let anyone or anything stop you from living YOUR truth.

YOU are loved.